I have been single now for almost two months after being completely tied up in relationships after relationships for two years straight. During that time, I never really was on my own. There was always a man there for me to fall back on. A safety net to rescue me from loneliness. I would purposefully line them up so the next man in my life was scheduled for once the last one ended. But now, I have cut the net and I am fine with falling. At this point, I feel as if though the falling is already done. The falling part is the heartbreak. It consists of fear that you don’t know what’s at the end of the chute because there’s no net to catch you. It isn’t until you hit the bottom (aka “rock bottom”) that you have the decision: you can get back up on your feet or you can lay on the bottom and mope. Don’t get me wrong, I had a solid few weeks of moping. All I thought about was my ex and how I would never find another man like him. Ragging on myself constantly about how if I had said this or done this then we would be in love right now and traveling and being cute and shit like that. But then I wiped away my tears and started thinking, why didn’t I do these things? Why did I stop my art when we were together? Why was I ashamed to be myself around him? Our end was inevitable and if we continued on it would not have even been a valuable relationship because I was trying to be someone that I am not.
The more I started thinking about that, I slowly started picking myself up from the bottom. I began immersing myself in things that I enjoy, instead of trying to find date night ideas. I made stronger relationships with my friends and family members. I started focusing more on my health and bettering myself (which this bod is bangin’ now, thank you single life 😉 ). I am consistently setting new goals for myself on a journey to find who I really am. My goals as of now consist of: learn Spanish for when I go to either Peru or Costa Rica for spring break, try shuffling or “shape cutting”, speak at a poetry slam open mic night, create more art, complete a triathlon, and begin practicing mindfulness. These goals aren’t really new goals. They are goals that I have had for a long time, just never have accomplished them because my main priority has been my significant other and our relationship. Now I am focused on me.
The idea of being single is very highly stigmatized, especially for women. If you are a single women, there MUST be something WRONG with you. Why don’t you have a man? Don’t you want one? You know it’s cuffing season right? Yeah, but it would be so nice to sit by a fire with your boyfriend, don’t you want that? No, I don’t. I feel I am just as powerful, if not more powerful, by myself than in a relationship. I don’t need a man in my life to be fulfilled anymore. I spent too many years using a relationship to cover up the sadness and lack of self-confidence I was feeling inside. Being single is not a disease. It is not a prison sentence until a charming man comes and sets you free into the world with them. It is a time in your life for self-development. A time to sit down and really find out what you like. It wasn’t until Erik asked me, “so what are your hobbies?” and I did not have an answer at all that I knew something was wrong with me. Now I can clearly answer that. My hobbies are acrylic painting, nature trails, making GoPro videos, yoga, dancing, Pilates, cooking exuberant amounts of Mexican food, fishing, traveling, boating, and so, so much more that I have yet to discover about myself.
Cheers to bringing in 2017 as a single lady and being proud of it.