Fuck

4 years later.

We’re sitting on a beach, trying to pick up where we left off.

Everything is so easy with you.

4 years later.

You make me feel like the unrequited lover.

I don’t want to keep kissing strangers in hopes to find another.

4 years later.

If you get bored of my skin, there’s planets in my mind.

You seem to value my solar system more through time.

4 years later.

I don’t want to wait for you to find someone else.

Each night escalading through the liquor on the top shelf.

Running through these men, it’s getting crazy.

Because all I want at night is to hear you call me “baby”.

I keep searching for someone like you.

4 years later, I still love you.

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Hot Headed

As I sit here engulfed with rage, I am trying to figure out why I am even angry. I am angry at Landon. Angry that he made me feel shit. Angry that he tampered with my focus, offered me a future, gave me expectations. Angry that I haven’t touched my GoPro or felt the shady part of a trail in 5 months. Last night I accidentally texted him what I should have sent to another person. He never responded and is ignoring me all day, acting like an absolute child. Why would I want to get involved with this? Yet, on the contrary, I have spent days now fantasizing about wearing my new dress that I bought and spending New Year’s Eve with him. Maybe that will just be it. New Years and that’s it. A clean slate from all of it. I just need to get out of my hometown already….

3 Years Today

Three years ago today I decided to start writing down the moments of my life. This site has been through my highest highs of achievement and my lowest lows of heartbreak. I haven’t written in awhile, but with the new year coming up I want to start writing more.

The past few weeks have been interesting, to say the least. I started an internship at a dentist’s office. I saw several procedures, not with my glasses on so they were a bit fuzzy, but nevertheless I saw them. I took my only final exam and got a B- in Organic Chemistry 2. This was a MAJOR milestone for me because I dropped Orgo over summer and was distraught over that. Now I have come back stronger than ever. For the past month or so, I have been talking to a new guy: Landon. We click so well. The conversation is like butter, and the sex is equally as smooth. Right now I am on holiday break, but I know that once I get back up there he’s going to attempt to “Define the Relationship”. Honestly, I want to say yes, yet I don’t know. I have the DAT coming up, which I am studying for now, and possible dental applications so I just do not want to be distracted.

I am going to take it slow and easy though. See where it all goes. Why rush it? Since I have been working so hard in school lately that now that I am on break I feel like a horse at the gate waiting to run in the race. Once school starts then I will be going hard back in it. It’s like I don’t know how to relax unless I’m working.

2017 is going to be a massive year for me. My main resolutions are to not loose focus on my goals this year and try to eat better. My workout routine is strong and solid, just have to fix up my diet. I have gained a bit of weight from the past semester’s emotional heartbreak series, but not I am going to drop the sadness weight and get better. All around. Just get better.

“People always leave. That’s the fact of life. People will come in and out of your life like a revolving door. And I’m tired. I’m tired of temporary people. I’m tired of growing with someone. Im tired of learning all their quirks, and their little flaws. I’m tired of seeing something that reminds me of them, but they’re gone. I don’t need anymore temporary people building homes in my heart and leaving them vacant once they’ve had enough. I get it, not everyone has to stick around. But it’s getting really exhausting keeping their space vacant for them. It’s getting harder to let them back in every time they leave. I don’t need anymore temporary people. I need to feel like I’m worth more than a place to rest your head when you get sad. I need to feel like I’m worth something to someone. I need to know not everyone leaves.”

It’s Late Now 

Right now I am laying in my excessively dark room and I cannot fall asleep. It’s a mix of racing thoughts and the feeling of the extra pounds from this past week holding down my body. Everytime I come home my mind races about Erik and flashes back to the time he came to visit. Crazy how that was all just a few months ago. 

Tonight I was going to visit Connor again. It seems we are folding into this routine where everytime I come home we act like a couple and eventually leads to hooking up in some manner. I was craving it tonight, but he wasn’t getting off of work until 11 pm and it’s hard to make up an excuse to tell my family that I’m actually not going for just a booty call. 

I feel as if though we are a perfect match. Same humor, same drive, same outlook, just wrong timing. He’s wanting to move to a whole new state and doesn’t have really any career goals in mind for now, whereas I’m going to be possibly moving to another state too for dental school. We were together once and when we finally met back up it was just like old times. There was still a spark after 4 years of not speaking to each other at all. That’s very rare. Even in relationships where people have been together for years don’t find that connection. 

Connor is a weird complex in my mind. He makes me feel warm when I think about him. I don’t think about Erik when I’m with or talking to him. I’m sexually attracted to him (which is rare these days since I’ve given up on the male population). And I feel safe around him. But I don’t have feelings for him. I don’t lay in my bed at night and dream of us together. The night we had sex for the first time, right after I got dressed and left. I didn’t feel shameful or think about him the next day. The following day I drove back to school and studied and did not think about him at all. I don’t stalk him down on social media or any of that messy stuff. And this is all odd to me because those are the typical routines for when I am interested in someone, yet I don’t have them for him. 

I did want to see Connor tonight, but in a few weeks I’m going to be back home for a month and we have all that time to sort this out. He has told me before that I’m the perfect girl for him, and I believe he is the perfect guy for me. But I just don’t know if I’m ready to be back in the dating game just yet. 

On The Way Up

3 weeks now into my exercise and diet regimen and I am actually seeing results! It’s it very exciting for me and the more post-breakup weight that I lose, the more I feel like I am literally shedding him out of my life. Finally. Today, I shadowed a cosmetic dentist which I was very nervous for. The fact that 6 years ago I fainted when seeing someone draw blood still invokes a fear into me when it comes to any medical procedures. Which isn’t gonna work if I’m pre-dental. I got myself ice cream before going so that my blood sugar would be high and would not spike down and cause me to faint. I arrived early with comfy (and expensive) scrubs on. Since the plan of me wearing no contacts or glasses during the time I shadowed in the OR worked, I decided to duplicate that plan. Blurry eyed and everything, I still managed to observe through a double extraction. At one point, I felt myself getting calm. Waves of anxiety would come and go, but I rode the waves swiftly and maintained composure during the whole extraction. The blood exposure was minimum, but I still saw some and was exposed to the sounds of teeth being removed. I felt so proud of myself afterwards. This is what I need to do. I need more exposure to alleviate the anxious thoughts. I am going to keep going in practically blind, and eventually I will work my way up to wearing my glasses and getting the full Hi-Def dental surgery experience.

I’m Single, and I’m Not Ashamed

I have been single now for almost two months after being completely tied up in relationships after relationships for two years straight. During that time, I never really was on my own. There was always a man there for me to fall back on. A safety net to rescue me from loneliness. I would purposefully line them up so the next man in my life was scheduled for once the last one ended. But now, I have cut the net and I am fine with falling. At this point, I feel as if though the falling is already done. The falling part is the heartbreak. It consists of fear that you don’t know what’s at the end of the chute because there’s no net to catch you. It isn’t until you hit the bottom (aka “rock bottom”) that you have the decision: you can get back up on your feet or you can lay on the bottom and mope. Don’t get me wrong, I had a solid few weeks of moping. All I thought about was my ex and how I would never find another man like him. Ragging on myself constantly about how if I had said this or done this then we would be in love right now and traveling and being cute and shit like that. But then I wiped away my tears and started thinking, why didn’t I do these things? Why did I stop my art when we were together? Why was I ashamed to be myself around him? Our end was inevitable and if we continued on it would not have even been a valuable relationship because I was trying to be someone that I am not.

The more I started thinking about that, I slowly started picking myself up from the bottom. I began immersing myself in things that I enjoy, instead of trying to find date night ideas. I made stronger relationships with my friends and family members. I started focusing more on my health and bettering myself (which this bod is bangin’ now, thank you single life 😉 ). I am consistently setting new goals for myself on a journey to find who I really am. My goals as of now consist of: learn Spanish for when I go to either Peru or Costa Rica for spring break, try shuffling or “shape cutting”, speak at a poetry slam open mic night, create more art, complete a triathlon, and begin practicing mindfulness. These goals aren’t really new goals. They are goals that I have had for a long time, just never have accomplished them because my main priority has been my significant other and our relationship. Now I am focused on me.

The idea of being single is very highly stigmatized, especially for women. If you are a single women, there MUST be something WRONG with you. Why don’t you have a man? Don’t you want one? You know it’s cuffing season right? Yeah, but it would be so nice to sit by a fire with your boyfriend, don’t you want that? No, I don’t. I feel I am just as powerful, if not more powerful, by myself than in a relationship. I don’t need a man in my life to be fulfilled anymore. I spent too many years using a relationship to cover up the sadness and lack of self-confidence I was feeling inside. Being single is not a disease. It is not a prison sentence until a charming man comes and sets you free into the world with them. It is a time in your life for self-development. A time to sit down and really find out what you like. It wasn’t until Erik asked me, “so what are your hobbies?” and I did not have an answer at all that I knew something was wrong with me. Now I can clearly answer that. My hobbies are acrylic painting, nature trails, making GoPro videos, yoga, dancing, Pilates, cooking exuberant amounts of Mexican food, fishing, traveling, boating, and so, so much more that I have yet to discover about myself.

Cheers to bringing in 2017 as a single lady and being proud of it.

Next One Can’t Erase Your Past One

It still hurts. A lot. I don’t really talk about it much to people anymore because they think “ok, it’s been 3 weeks now you should be over it.” But I’m not. Tonight I saw a picture of him on Facebook and I felt my hands get cold and my heart drop. Lately, when I think about him in my head the face is blurry and I cannot see his exact features. But there he was. Once I looked at his face I saw flashbacks of everything. I began to feel hollow and my body swelled up like I was going to cry, but a tear did not shed.

Last night I had a dream that I saw him while walking downtown and he avoided me as much as he could. When I finally caught up to him and forced him to explain to me why he just left, he just started arguing with me. I then murdered him in my dream. When I finished with him I went back to my apartment and baked cupcakes while still covered in his blood. Morbid, I know. My dreams have been very intense lately. A mixture of him, my career choice, and my mental state have been huge topics.

I just wish I never met him or was involved with him. They say you learn a lot from your relationships, but I don’t feel I learned anything from him. After it all ended, I was left loathing myself, with a very low self-esteem, and just felt like I wasn’t good enough for anything. I lost my desire for guys because I was hurt so badly. I just wish I could erase him from my mind.

Slowly Getting Better

Today has been over a week of clean eating and trying to stop my binge. I have been keeping myself busy and not sitting around in my apartment as much. Thus, I am very much so on the ball with my classes because I spend a lot of time housing the library. I am trying to workout every day and have been doing pretty well with that. Every now and again I slip back into bad habits, but I am much better than where I was. Lately, at night I have been having trouble sleeping. I just lay there in the dark and my mind races like crazy. I am trying to tire myself out more so I am not as energized when I should be winding down. I am very slowly starting to stop thinking about him as much. It’s hard and I still think about him daily. The more I stay busy, the more time my mind isn’t idle.

Halloween Weekend, Round 1

This weekend was probably one of the most disappointing weekends I have had in a very long time.

Cydney was supposed to come down this weekend. This was on the books for over a month. And last minute she decided to cancel because she chose partying all week over getting her work done and was “overwhelmed with work.” Yet still posted pictures of herself going out. It’s infuriating. This has made me realize this is not a mutual friendship. I put in 90% of the work into this friendship and she has always just gotten by with 10%. And I allow this to happen because I feel as if though she is my closest friend, but I cannot take the disrespect anymore.

Last night I wanted to go to this one Halloween party that I have been begging to go to for weeks. I asked probably a good 15 people and everyone declined me. I even asked Connor, who is an old flame that I recently went out with twice and hooked up once with, if he would like to come. Unfortunately, he had a job interview the next morning. Something is different about him. Maybe it’s the history and the fact that we were once in love with each other, but I am at my most comfortable when I am with him. I find that I hold back when we are together though. I don’t want to get too deep into a relationship with him because he is 3 hours away from me. Maybe that’s why I am so comfortable with him is because there is no pressure since there is a strong possibility this isn’t going to work out anyway.

So instead I spent my evening at home. Drunk Brady came over and tried to get in my pants the whole evening and was consistently disrespecting me by placing his hands in inappropriate places. He thinks he can just do whatever he wants and because we had a minor fling that everything is ok. Well, it’s not.

I am realizing more and more my own personal value. I think this is due to the fact that now I am truly on my own. Not clinging to a boy or a roommate. Just me, baby. Earlier today I saw a meme that said: “When you want the dick, but know that you are too good for these dicks.” And as vulgar as it is, I truly relate to it. I am a human being and so I crave the intimacy and pleasure that sex (only really if it’s good) brings. Yet, I don’t want it from just anyone. I want someone who I can be intimate with on all levels, not just physical. I want to look into their eyes and see someone that I am proud to let into my body. I want to be proud of my own reflection in their eyes.