Read At Your Own Risk

Which head was he thinking with? Was it based out of love or lust? Passion or actual meaning? These are the questions that I sit here and think about as I replay last night’s activities where Landon, once again, said I love you during sex. This time he whispered it. Our sex isn’t really romantic. It’s rough, all over the apartment. Loud and sweaty. Not something you light candles for and play soft jazz to. Which makes me think that what he is saying is solely based out of the heat of the moment of being deep inside someone. We are nearing 3 months now and my birthday is coming up next week. My best friend is coming down to visit and celebrate with me so he and I are going out to dinner the night before she gets here. I was planning on telling him, when we are fully dressed, that I am falling in love with him. I aspire to be someone who is bold and says what’s on her mind all the time, yet I will always have the fear that he will feel threatened and disappear in the night, as so many of the men in my life love to do. I have never told someone that I loved them. It was always them telling me and me responding. The last time someone told me they loved me was two years ago. A lot has changed in two years. I want to be free and independent and say what I mean in this lifetime because you never know when it is going to end, but I also want to protect myself in the process. Even though you don’t know when it is going to end, you will still have to deal with the heartbreak tomorrow. Live in the moment, not for the moment. I will decide before we go out to my birthday dinner.

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