Right now I am laying in my excessively dark room and I cannot fall asleep. It’s a mix of racing thoughts and the feeling of the extra pounds from this past week holding down my body. Everytime I come home my mind races about Erik and flashes back to the time he came to visit. Crazy how that was all just a few months ago.
Tonight I was going to visit Connor again. It seems we are folding into this routine where everytime I come home we act like a couple and eventually leads to hooking up in some manner. I was craving it tonight, but he wasn’t getting off of work until 11 pm and it’s hard to make up an excuse to tell my family that I’m actually not going for just a booty call.
I feel as if though we are a perfect match. Same humor, same drive, same outlook, just wrong timing. He’s wanting to move to a whole new state and doesn’t have really any career goals in mind for now, whereas I’m going to be possibly moving to another state too for dental school. We were together once and when we finally met back up it was just like old times. There was still a spark after 4 years of not speaking to each other at all. That’s very rare. Even in relationships where people have been together for years don’t find that connection.
Connor is a weird complex in my mind. He makes me feel warm when I think about him. I don’t think about Erik when I’m with or talking to him. I’m sexually attracted to him (which is rare these days since I’ve given up on the male population). And I feel safe around him. But I don’t have feelings for him. I don’t lay in my bed at night and dream of us together. The night we had sex for the first time, right after I got dressed and left. I didn’t feel shameful or think about him the next day. The following day I drove back to school and studied and did not think about him at all. I don’t stalk him down on social media or any of that messy stuff. And this is all odd to me because those are the typical routines for when I am interested in someone, yet I don’t have them for him.
I did want to see Connor tonight, but in a few weeks I’m going to be back home for a month and we have all that time to sort this out. He has told me before that I’m the perfect girl for him, and I believe he is the perfect guy for me. But I just don’t know if I’m ready to be back in the dating game just yet.