It still hurts. A lot. I don’t really talk about it much to people anymore because they think “ok, it’s been 3 weeks now you should be over it.” But I’m not. Tonight I saw a picture of him on Facebook and I felt my hands get cold and my heart drop. Lately, when I think about him in my head the face is blurry and I cannot see his exact features. But there he was. Once I looked at his face I saw flashbacks of everything. I began to feel hollow and my body swelled up like I was going to cry, but a tear did not shed.
Last night I had a dream that I saw him while walking downtown and he avoided me as much as he could. When I finally caught up to him and forced him to explain to me why he just left, he just started arguing with me. I then murdered him in my dream. When I finished with him I went back to my apartment and baked cupcakes while still covered in his blood. Morbid, I know. My dreams have been very intense lately. A mixture of him, my career choice, and my mental state have been huge topics.
I just wish I never met him or was involved with him. They say you learn a lot from your relationships, but I don’t feel I learned anything from him. After it all ended, I was left loathing myself, with a very low self-esteem, and just felt like I wasn’t good enough for anything. I lost my desire for guys because I was hurt so badly. I just wish I could erase him from my mind.