This weekend was probably one of the most disappointing weekends I have had in a very long time.
Cydney was supposed to come down this weekend. This was on the books for over a month. And last minute she decided to cancel because she chose partying all week over getting her work done and was “overwhelmed with work.” Yet still posted pictures of herself going out. It’s infuriating. This has made me realize this is not a mutual friendship. I put in 90% of the work into this friendship and she has always just gotten by with 10%. And I allow this to happen because I feel as if though she is my closest friend, but I cannot take the disrespect anymore.
Last night I wanted to go to this one Halloween party that I have been begging to go to for weeks. I asked probably a good 15 people and everyone declined me. I even asked Connor, who is an old flame that I recently went out with twice and hooked up once with, if he would like to come. Unfortunately, he had a job interview the next morning. Something is different about him. Maybe it’s the history and the fact that we were once in love with each other, but I am at my most comfortable when I am with him. I find that I hold back when we are together though. I don’t want to get too deep into a relationship with him because he is 3 hours away from me. Maybe that’s why I am so comfortable with him is because there is no pressure since there is a strong possibility this isn’t going to work out anyway.
So instead I spent my evening at home. Drunk Brady came over and tried to get in my pants the whole evening and was consistently disrespecting me by placing his hands in inappropriate places. He thinks he can just do whatever he wants and because we had a minor fling that everything is ok. Well, it’s not.
I am realizing more and more my own personal value. I think this is due to the fact that now I am truly on my own. Not clinging to a boy or a roommate. Just me, baby. Earlier today I saw a meme that said: “When you want the dick, but know that you are too good for these dicks.” And as vulgar as it is, I truly relate to it. I am a human being and so I crave the intimacy and pleasure that sex (only really if it’s good) brings. Yet, I don’t want it from just anyone. I want someone who I can be intimate with on all levels, not just physical. I want to look into their eyes and see someone that I am proud to let into my body. I want to be proud of my own reflection in their eyes.