As I ran up and down the stairs of the stadium in the pouring rain yesterday listening to “Lose Yourself” by Eminem, I felt as if I truly lost myself. Or had previously lost myself. I went from the strong person that I was before, to a semi-strong person. I still believe that I am strong and that I have the power to change my life. I already proved this by breaking up with Hale and avoiding Brady’s toxicity. Now I am with Erik. He is truly the cookie-cutter outline of my type. Plus he’s extremely lethally handsome. Yet, I sit here and I cannot stop thinking about him. I fear it is not the “crushy” thinking about him though. I can feel it bordering on obsessive. I think to myself, “does he ever think about me?” “What’s he doing right now?” “I wish he would text me.” Etc. Etc. Etc. To the point where all of my thoughts engulf Erik. I drive past a place we went and then for the next 20 minutes I will just replay the whole date night over in my head. And I see these places everywhere.
I recognize this problem and I am not going to let his perfection misguide my judgement and focus. I am on a mission to better myself. To reach my utmost goals in life and truly find who I am. I need to stop looking at guys as if though they are my end-all-be-all and if I say something wrong then I just messed it all up because he could be my future husband. I didn’t foresee Erik coming into my life. It just happened. And that’s how life works. My plan is to focus more on myself and let him ooze into the cracks of where I need him to be. I am in the process of transforming into a true gangster of my inner self, and in the words of Biggie, “I don’t chase them, I just replace them.”