I often times think about death. Not in the morbid way or suicidal way. But the slow glide into it. Like a syrup gliding off of the corner of a breakfast table. How it could easily swipe away all of my pain. Yet, then I think about how my death would affect others. My family, my close friends, even Hale. How my own premature death would be a selfish act since I would be taking my love away from others.
Don’t worry, I am not thinking about ending my life. Just thinking..
Hale and I are doing okay. Not good, not bad, just okay. We went to church tonight and he completed a confessional. I didn’t just because it was a group one and I wasn’t comfortable in that situation. While waiting for him, I was overrun with old feelings about everything that I’ve gone through in the past month. Today has been exactly one month since I found the cheating. It still hurts. Bad. But I am getting better. We spent all day in the hammock and napped together under the shady trees.
After church we had a deep conversation in which we both sobbed hard. On Monday I had reached a peak and just walked out on him. I didn’t return any of his 5 calls or 12 text messages for about an hour. When he went upstairs to get something, I just packed my stuff up and left. I walked. And walked. Enjoyed an empty, numb mind and just walked. Until I couldn’t take it anymore and returned to him in tears. I just can’t see myself without him. My heart ached the whole hour.
He understands all of my feelings and gets that he only has one miniscule chance or else it is completely over. Or else I am leaving for good. And not returning in tears, but moving on, heartbroken or not.
I have decided that I am going to try and see a counseling therapist that the school provides. I can feel the depression sinking in and I want to avoid it as much as possible. Might as well make use of the resources available.
I just feel defeated.