I feel like I am stuck in a stationary position. Hale and I are improving. I don’t cry everyday, but still do cry. Today, I read over my past posts and literally watched our relationship grow with every sentence. It’s hard to read that. But I just wanted to see why I fell in love with him. And the reason was due to the new experiences. The fact that we both put each other out there and displayed our insecurities. The fact that even when times got tough, we still lifted the other person up as if none of the conflictions existed. Granted we never had internal conflict between each other like we do now. Now, I don’t feel the same warmth as summer. I feel lukewarm. As if it’s just leftover love and all of it was used over the summer.
Tonight I am going to discuss it with him. I really don’t know how to, though. I have the bare minimum of trust in him now. The equivalent to corrupt politicians. And yet here I am, still trusting him with my heart. A lot of people say we need space apart. I feel if we spent time apart, my mind would just manifest all of these problems into something that isn’t happening. I also feel like time would just split us apart because in my mind if I have time away from you then my mind is already beginning to delete you from my past and future. I don’t want to delete him. I just want to know if I still love him.