I Am Shattered

Yesterday was the worst day of my life. My entire world has flipped upside down.

After going on a beautiful walk yesterday, I arrived back at my dorm and starting preparing to rest before going to a party that night. I lift my sheet and what do I see: Hale’s cell phone. He forget his phone when he had spent the night prior. 5 days prior to this day, I had a dream Hale was cheating on me. All throughout the week, I kept sensing something was wrong. He kept hiding things from me. So I opened his phone and decided to look around. What I found ruined me. Hale has been cheating on me throughout our entire relationship. Nothing physical, but he would Kik, Snapchat, Facebook message, text, Skype, and chat with probably 45 other girls. He would sext them, send them pictures, receive pictures, would talk about coming up to meet them. He would call them the same names he has called me for 6 months now. I fell to the floor. In complete shock, I threw on my shoes and ran over to his place.

Once I got there, I practically had to break in due to the complex security system. As he opened the door, I read off to him the in-depth sexting conversation he had with another girl one day prior. He got angry at himself and that I found it. I began to cry and he got so upset. We sat in his room crying and arguing for 6 hours. I didn’t stop crying once. He eventually opened everything up to me. Said that he lied about how many girls he has been with. He said that I was his first, but he didn’t want to tell me that or else I would think he was inexperienced. Hale told me more details about his family life and how his dad cheated on his mom and beat her. He kept screaming that he was just like his dad.

Afterwards we went to the car for more privacy where he played me a tape that I have been requesting for weeks now: 2 year old Hale singing and saying his alphabet. He played it, but I was just too overwhelmed with sadness to enjoy it. We both continued to cry and after 2 more hours of crying, we thought that food may cheer us up. But instead my appetite was nonexistent. He ate 3 pieces of sushi and then just got it to go. We drove up to my building and parked the car and continued to talk and primarily cry. I didn’t leave until 3 am, exactly 12 hours straight of crying. When I got upstairs and looked in the mirror, I had two black eyes from crying so hard.

The next morning, I got up and went to church as I always do. When I was walking out the door, I saw him at his car holding flowers. Once I was in his viewing path, he broke down crying. We drove to church together and had the most emotional service in my life. He cried the whole time and kept praying every chance he could. Once Hale walked into the church and saw the sculpture of God, he instantly felt ashamed. I cried most of the service and couldn’t even participate for the most part. Afterwards, we stayed in the pew for an hour just praying and talking and mostly crying. I have cried more in the past two days than in my entire life.

After church he drove me to get food. We went to iHOP and I still didn’t even have an appetite. He held me in the booth as I quietly whimpered and as we were leaving the waitress handed me more napkins. On our ride back, he took me to a nature trail we used to always walk on. We sat on a bench and both cried harder than ever. He explained his reasoning which consisted of that he was insecure when he was with me because guys would check me out all the time and he felt inferior. So he used these apps in order to get quick gratification. He felt as if he could get multiple girls to find him attractive or get turned on by him then he was worthy of me.

I truly love this man. But I don’t know if this is worth it. He devalued me. When sexting, he used scenarios that we have done. He lied to me so much. He said “I would never cheat on you!”, “you’re the only girl I message”. We have shed so many tears together. Opened up to a whole new level, but I just don’t know if I can go back to him. I am so hurt. Beyond hurt, I am shattered.


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