After being lectured during my convention trip that the key to having a sustainable human life is to let love in and embrace it in your everyday life, I decided to do so. And I hate this. For years, I cut out any real relationships and pushed away anyone who readily embraced me. Now that I am boating out to uncharted waters, it’s uncomfortable. The constant talking has made me feel like you actually care, yet you go off on dates with other girls. Calling me baby isn’t going to fix the problem or the hole growing in my chest for when you aren’t there. It’s a burned expectation of a future filled with love. Thank you, Hale.
Last night, I was thinking about my childhood and had an intense revelation. For years, I always thought that my anxiety was something that just grew on me with stress, but it actually is something that I have been battling for years. When I was younger, I always thought that I just had a descriptive imagination, but in reality it was mini anxiety attacks. These attacks kept me up for several sleepless nights as a child all because I thought that something was happening or could possibly happen when it wasn’t. The stress of growing up and my excessive school schedule made the anxiety reach a peak. Instead of freaking out about monsters walking around my room, I am stressing and having anxiety attacks about my future or a fear of passing out in public. Anxiety attacks about my love life, my family, my major, my self, and then the depression sinks in and the pain and the numbness. Everything affects me. Funny, they say these are supposed to be the greatest years of my life.