I have climbed that mountain. I have beat the fighter. I have won. Finally.
Today was the big shadowing day, and I have never been so nervous in my whole life. I did my homework. Bought the items that will resist fainting. All I had to do was remove my conscious feelings from the scene; the hard part. In the beginning, I was timid. Not really diving head-first into the patient rooms or tasks at hand. Halfway through the day, I felt stressed and upset because I felt like people viewed me as weak for something that I couldn’t control. I felt like the opponent was winning this fight. Sooner-or-later, I found myself scrubbing-in to observe an intense exploitative surgery. Mid-way through walking into the sterile room I thought to myself, wait WHAT? The day before I couldn’t ever bear the sight of walking in those Trauma Center doors, but now I am watching a full-blown surgery? Yes, but with a cache. I took my glasses off! I am not blind, and am only far-sighted so I wasn’t putting people in the room in danger. I could still see the procedure, but it had a blurry tint. The celebrative part is that I didn’t psyche myself out and was able to hear the sounds and smell the smells. I was able to see a pack of blood and not fall out on the floor. I have come a long way from passing out when someone was placing an I.V. in 3 years ago. Don’t underestimate me. I will win this fight.