Don’t get me wrong, I will always be happy for someone. But when I have to find out information on my own…. I can feel you slipping away. We used to be such close friends and now you can’t even tell me about this. The saltwater wave of numbness is sinking into my wounds. I turned my phone off tonight and threw it in the other direction because I can’t take the anonymity. 7 year friendship slowly going down the can and all I can do is congratulate her.
I spent so much time distracting this numbness. Diving into impossible school work and that future. That future, man. This dive was more like a high dive off of the 50 m board, but the water has been removed. So I am slowly diving into cement and I just now opened my eyes to see the ground. See that water-filled safety net is gone. Nights like this I wish I had something to ease the pain. A substance or emotional soothing to ease the mental pain. It’s not even pain; just nothing. Give it a few days and I will forget about it. If you have never experienced this, imagine floating on your back in an empty ocean right after the sun has set and dusk has fallen. You let the water fill your ears as you float. You must empty your lungs to float and keep an empty mind so thoughts won’t wear you down. Much like that. Except you are floating in the ocean of life and emotions keep weighing you down.
I will just sit here until 3 AM.