Insanity

My brain is pulsing, my hands are shaking, and I’m sweaty. I can’t tell you the last time I was ever this mad. Everything just builds up inside of me until it pools over in a liquidy rage. I don’t have anger problems. Just don’t enjoy being ignored.

My birthday is in 5 days and I’m already counting down the days until I can get in my car and just drive. This house is toxic. Every 5 seconds is someone around the corner trying to force their ideas down my throat. It’s like my future is a chess game and everyone is trying  to move my pieces so they can be accountable for my first million. No one takes inconsideration about what I want to do. I need freedom. But the more I see the dangers of the world, the more I want to stay in this room.

My mother doesn’t listen to me. She has the guilt trip worked out so when I don’t want to repeat something for the 15th time she will pull out the “I’m your mom!” Until she blames me for something ridiculous. Tonight’s fight was about her and is one of the reasons why I need to leave. I know, this sounds terrible. I feel bad writing about this and will probably regret it tomorrow, but it is the truth. Her temper is driving me insane. She force feeds terrible ideas into my brain that disrupt my self-image. I am just now starting to love myself, yet she will find a way to undermine it. She never listens to me, nor shows interest. She doesn’t even fathom how hard I work and just sees it as “child’s play.” I don’t think she does it intentionally, but I can’t take it anymore. Tonight my voice reached louder than ever. My vocal cords are burning. Things were thrown. And I need to get out of this jail cell.

My life will soon be reaching a head in exactly 370 days. I am on the verge of pulling my hair out. I am trying to balance school, cheer, volunteering, scholarships, family life, and some odd jobs while trying to not go mentally ill, find someone to share my life with because I haven’t embraced human love in 2 damn years, stay safe, and try to enjoy some form of this life. With all this going on, is it even worth searching for love anymore?

My, my, my…. what a beautiful mess this is..

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